The NeverEnding Journey

Biopsies. Check. Chemo. Check. Follow-up appointments. Check. Surgery. Check...You would think that after all of these appointments and procedures (refer back to the timeline post) I would be done with treatment and ready to resume life.  Not...quite...yet.  Despite hoping and praying that I would not need to do radiation, I was informed that the team of 15 radiation oncologists ALL agree that it is in my best interest to complete 25 rounds of radiation.  The doctors told me that radiation would help to prevent recurrence of cancer (if there are any lingering cells in my breast area or lymph nodes after the surgery) but also discussed the risks and side effects of this aggressive treatment.  So...ultimately...the decision was up to me.  I did my research and decided that I want to do everything in my power to kill the whore ( it is also really difficult to say no to a procedure that so many doctors recommend).  Despite feeling exhausted and worn down I am hoping that all of this treatment will pay off in the end and that I will be able to officially bid farewell to the whore who has consumed the past seven months of my life.

Radiation in Los Angeles is almost like having a full time job.  I have to travel from Santa Monica to Hollywood Monday through Friday for each daily treatment.  Right now my treatment time slot is at 4:30pm which is traffic hell in Los Angeles.  Needless to say, I am spending a lot of time in my car and trying to explore parts of Los Angeles that I have avoided due to the commute.  Radiation treatment is fairly painless and quick.  The side effects should be relatively easy compared to chemo.  If all goes well I will be done on July 18!

It has been a month since my surgery and I am feeling pretty good.  I am getting used to my "foob" (the term that breast cancer survivors use to refer to their reconstructed breast after a mastectomy) and have some discomfort but minimal pain.  My hair is growing back and I have been going out sans scarf!  It is nice to have hair again. 

Surgery

My surgery is scheduled for May 16....which is quickly approaching.  I am not going to lie, I am a little nervous about the procedure and recovery process.  While the surgery means that the cancer will be removed from my body, it also means that my body will be changing...forever.  It is a loss and I don't think it will truly hit me until after the surgery. 

On the other hand, surgery means I am one step closer to being done with the treatment phase and officially becoming a member of the cancer survivor club!  This will symbolize a new beginning.

It has been four weeks since my last chemo and I am still waiting for my body to get back to normal again.  Mainly for my hair to start growing back and to stop having hot flashes.  It has been awesome to not have chemo every other week and I am noticing that I have more energy these days. The day of my surgery will be exactly six months from the day I was diagnosed.  Cray! That seems like so long ago and I am realizing that a lot has happened in six months...I can only wonder where I will be once I hit the one year mark!

Here are some pics from my End of Chemo/31st Birthday Party!!!

Decisions. Decisions. Decisions.

As chemo is coming to an end (I will be done April 6!) I am now faced with new decisions to make regarding surgery.  It is exhausting.  I have met with two plastic surgeons, my breast surgeon, and I will be meeting with the radiation oncologist on Thursday.  Although I am beyond excited to end chemo, the thought of surgery is a little scary and I am feeling pretty overwhelmed with all of my options.  There are pros and cons and "what ifs" to all of my choices and I need to make a decision soon since surgery will occur sometime in May.  I wish there were easy answers but that is not the case and I once again have to trust and rely on myself to make the best decision for me.  Will keep you posted when my decision is made! 

Hello March...

So far, March has been a period of highs and lows for me.  The highs have been seeing some great friends (Kristi, Aggie, and Annie) and the lows have involved feeling tired, sore, and 100% OVER chemo.  While it was great to go back to work in mid February, it was also exhausting and overwhelming.  I originally tried to be superwoman and go back to work for 30 hours a week but my body got pissed at me and it was just too much.  I had to surrender.  So I cut my hours down to 20 hours a week and feel very happy about this decision. 

As Miguel says, I have to respect the chemo.  There are times when I want to be back to normal.  When I start feeling better I try to do things just as I used to.  My body is not the same and the things that I used to do with ease take more energy and leave me pretty exhausted.  If I over do it, I end up having weird and unpleasant side effects.  So I have forced myself to slow down.  It is another test of my patience and it is not easy.   I am counting down the days until chemo is over and can't wait for my body to be medicine free...and for my hair to start growing back.  Surprisingly, time is flying by.  Chemo should be done in three weeks!   I have two more rounds of chemo to go and my last treatment is scheduled for April 6...woo woo!!

March 3 2012. Kristi came to visit and we spent the weekend in Santa Barbara!

Cancer is Everywhere

Is it just me or are more and more people being diagnosed with cancer these days.  Young people.  Maybe it is the same phenomenon as when you break up with someone and then hear their name everywhere you go.  It makes me so mad and sad when I hear about cancer...especially when the whore ends up killing someone.  I found out today that a colleague from graduate school recently lost her battle to brain cancer.  I was really sad to hear this news and it is also scary because it reminds me that the whore is strong.  I also found out today that a therapist in my agency was recently diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma and is in need of some serious support right now.  I gave her my email address and hope that she reaches out.  It is crazy to think that I can offer her some advice and support and that I have already learned so much since being diagnosed.  A sign that I am well into this battle and hopefully approaching survivor status. 

Hearing about newly diagnosed people or those who have lost their battle makes me want to fight harder and to make sure that I destroy the whore.  Speaking of my whore...she is definitely shrinking!  Chemo #5 went fairly well but my body is starting to get tired of chemo and I think I am taking longer to recuperate.  I am trying to not get overwhelmed at work and pace myself which is working well this week. 

Patience...

I went back to work last week and experienced a whirlwind of emotions.  It was nice to be back at the office and to see my co-workers, but it was also really exhasuting.  I think that I initially expected to go to work and resume right where I left.  Boy was I fooled.  There is no getting around the fact that I am battling cancer at the moment and that things in my life have to be a little different.  I can't be exactly the same person I was before the diagnosis...not right now at least.  Time seems to be passing by quickly but I am still having a hard time being patient. 

As a therapist, it is my job to hold others' emotions, be selfless, and attend to people's needs.  I also have to be mindful that my own emotional experience is not interfering with my work.  I often tell parents that it is imperative to take care of themselves in order to properly care for their children.  I need to practice what I preach.  I need to focus on myself and put my needs before others.  This is hard to do but I am learning.  Cancer punched me in the stomach last week but I am recovering. 

L-O-V-E

Roses are red, violets are blue, not sure if it's the chemo or valentines commercials that are making me feel ewwwww!   I swear I'm not bitter, I'm just not a a huge fan of Valentine's Day.  I was sick of the ugly jewelry and proposal commercials the day they started.  Valentine's Day was so much more fun when I was younger.  I loved making cute valentine holders out of shoe boxes and giving candy and cards to my classmates. 

In honor of the Hallmark holiday, I wanted to take time to thank everyone for all of your love and support.  I feel so grateful to have such positive people in my life!  I truly feel loved.  When I tell people the news about my cancer, the first response is usually, "I am here if you need anything."  It is difficult to identify what I need right now.  I have recently realized that what I do need (which everyone is doing) is the positive energy, thoughts, and love that are coming my way.  Seriously, it is powerful stuff knowing that people are thinking about me, praying for me, and hoping for me.  I appreciate you all! Happy V-Day!