Cancer is Everywhere

Is it just me or are more and more people being diagnosed with cancer these days.  Young people.  Maybe it is the same phenomenon as when you break up with someone and then hear their name everywhere you go.  It makes me so mad and sad when I hear about cancer...especially when the whore ends up killing someone.  I found out today that a colleague from graduate school recently lost her battle to brain cancer.  I was really sad to hear this news and it is also scary because it reminds me that the whore is strong.  I also found out today that a therapist in my agency was recently diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma and is in need of some serious support right now.  I gave her my email address and hope that she reaches out.  It is crazy to think that I can offer her some advice and support and that I have already learned so much since being diagnosed.  A sign that I am well into this battle and hopefully approaching survivor status. 

Hearing about newly diagnosed people or those who have lost their battle makes me want to fight harder and to make sure that I destroy the whore.  Speaking of my whore...she is definitely shrinking!  Chemo #5 went fairly well but my body is starting to get tired of chemo and I think I am taking longer to recuperate.  I am trying to not get overwhelmed at work and pace myself which is working well this week. 

Patience...

I went back to work last week and experienced a whirlwind of emotions.  It was nice to be back at the office and to see my co-workers, but it was also really exhasuting.  I think that I initially expected to go to work and resume right where I left.  Boy was I fooled.  There is no getting around the fact that I am battling cancer at the moment and that things in my life have to be a little different.  I can't be exactly the same person I was before the diagnosis...not right now at least.  Time seems to be passing by quickly but I am still having a hard time being patient. 

As a therapist, it is my job to hold others' emotions, be selfless, and attend to people's needs.  I also have to be mindful that my own emotional experience is not interfering with my work.  I often tell parents that it is imperative to take care of themselves in order to properly care for their children.  I need to practice what I preach.  I need to focus on myself and put my needs before others.  This is hard to do but I am learning.  Cancer punched me in the stomach last week but I am recovering. 

L-O-V-E

Roses are red, violets are blue, not sure if it's the chemo or valentines commercials that are making me feel ewwwww!   I swear I'm not bitter, I'm just not a a huge fan of Valentine's Day.  I was sick of the ugly jewelry and proposal commercials the day they started.  Valentine's Day was so much more fun when I was younger.  I loved making cute valentine holders out of shoe boxes and giving candy and cards to my classmates. 

In honor of the Hallmark holiday, I wanted to take time to thank everyone for all of your love and support.  I feel so grateful to have such positive people in my life!  I truly feel loved.  When I tell people the news about my cancer, the first response is usually, "I am here if you need anything."  It is difficult to identify what I need right now.  I have recently realized that what I do need (which everyone is doing) is the positive energy, thoughts, and love that are coming my way.  Seriously, it is powerful stuff knowing that people are thinking about me, praying for me, and hoping for me.  I appreciate you all! Happy V-Day!

Tales from the Chemo Room

I am halfway done with chemo!! Yay! I start a new medication on 2/24 which is a little anxiety provoking but I will have four rounds of that and then be done!  Time is starting to pass quickly and I am very eager to be finish this phase of the journey.   

This is going to sound crazy but the actual chemo procedure is quite an entertaining and pleasant experience.  This is mainly because the chemo nurses are awesome!  Two of them are my age and we end up having good conversations and lots of laughs.  One had breast cancer when she was 24 so it has been really nice talking to her about her experience.  My dad comes to every chemo session and is becoming quite popular with the nurses.  He is always dressed to the nines in a suit.  It cracks me up.  Annie came with me this time around and got to experience the madness.

Thanks to Jihan, Bridget and Brett for my halfway done gifts!

Loss

I miss my cancer-free life.  The naivete that came with not worrying about my health.  The innocence of thinking that my body is invincible.  Not having to constantly worry about my health.   I have just started feeling this recently.  Probably because my treatment is well under way and everything is more real.  This feeling is better than the fear I had when I was first diagnosed and the six agonizing weeks of waiting for test results and deciding about treatment.

Everyone experiences grief and loss at some point in their lives.  Emotional reactions to grief and loss have been well studied in psychology and the Kubler-Ross model describes five stages of grief.  Individuals progress through the stages differently and the process is not linear, but rather, people might skip a stage, return to a stage, or stay in one stage for a long period of time. These stages can be applied to losing a loved one, family transitions, illness, the end of a relationship, infertility, moving, major life changes, etc. 

I thought it would be fun to map my progression through the stages...

• Denial  This is definitely the first thing I felt as I recall thinking everything was a dream.  I also was in denial about how serious the diagnosis is and about my treatment. 
• Anger  I have not felt extremely angry, I feel that others are feeling my anger for me.  I have had passing thoughts such as "why me" and "this is not fair" which are common.  Come to think of it, I was and am pretty pissed off at the timing of the whole thing.  Granted there is no perfect time to have cancer but I am pissed at the bitch for slowing me down right now.  I call her a whore sometimes.  Okay, maybe I do feel a little angry.
• Bargaining/Negotiation  This seems to be happening mostly with treatment and the "I will not do" list that I created when trying to take control of my treatment.  
• Depression  This is where I am right now.  I am missing my old life and feeling sad about things that I cannot do at this moment.  I am worried that cancer will ALWAYS be a part of my life.  
• Acceptance  I have dipped my toes in this stage and cannot wait until my whole body is immersed.  I am slowly starting to embrace my new life and accepting that this is happening to me for a reason.  I am already feeling like a less anxious and more confident person. Blogging helps me stay in this stage!