Loss

I miss my cancer-free life.  The naivete that came with not worrying about my health.  The innocence of thinking that my body is invincible.  Not having to constantly worry about my health.   I have just started feeling this recently.  Probably because my treatment is well under way and everything is more real.  This feeling is better than the fear I had when I was first diagnosed and the six agonizing weeks of waiting for test results and deciding about treatment.

Everyone experiences grief and loss at some point in their lives.  Emotional reactions to grief and loss have been well studied in psychology and the Kubler-Ross model describes five stages of grief.  Individuals progress through the stages differently and the process is not linear, but rather, people might skip a stage, return to a stage, or stay in one stage for a long period of time. These stages can be applied to losing a loved one, family transitions, illness, the end of a relationship, infertility, moving, major life changes, etc. 

I thought it would be fun to map my progression through the stages...

• Denial  This is definitely the first thing I felt as I recall thinking everything was a dream.  I also was in denial about how serious the diagnosis is and about my treatment. 
• Anger  I have not felt extremely angry, I feel that others are feeling my anger for me.  I have had passing thoughts such as "why me" and "this is not fair" which are common.  Come to think of it, I was and am pretty pissed off at the timing of the whole thing.  Granted there is no perfect time to have cancer but I am pissed at the bitch for slowing me down right now.  I call her a whore sometimes.  Okay, maybe I do feel a little angry.
• Bargaining/Negotiation  This seems to be happening mostly with treatment and the "I will not do" list that I created when trying to take control of my treatment.  
• Depression  This is where I am right now.  I am missing my old life and feeling sad about things that I cannot do at this moment.  I am worried that cancer will ALWAYS be a part of my life.  
• Acceptance  I have dipped my toes in this stage and cannot wait until my whole body is immersed.  I am slowly starting to embrace my new life and accepting that this is happening to me for a reason.  I am already feeling like a less anxious and more confident person. Blogging helps me stay in this stage!