Leap of Faith

My major dilemma about doing chemo period is the issue of fertility.  Chemotherapy kills many active cells and could stop ovulation during treatment and/or damage eggs.  Thankfully, I am young and my period should return...but it is still an issue I had have to deal with.  After a daunting and exhausting mental debate and tons of research, I decided that right now I want to focus on beating the shit out of cancer.  I feel that doing chemo first is the best way to do this.  Harvesting eggs is an extra procedure I do not want to deal with right now and I really do not need any excess hormones entering my body at the moment as my tumor is fueled by progesterone and estrogen.  I am very happy with my decision.  This is something I wrote before going to my appointment with a fertility specialist.

12.9.11

Will I be infertile?  At thirty, I am prematurely faced with this question...something I think I have subconsciously feared.  Mainly because I have always wanted children.  As a child, I loved playing with dolls and pretending to be a mom.  At age nine, I helped my aunt take care of my younger cousins any chance that I could.  Then I grew up and went to college and graduate school and chose to put nesting on hold so that I could focus on my education and career.  After this long and winding road, parenthood still does not quite fit into my life (with or without a cancer diagnosis) right now and I figured I would be ready to start having children at age thirty-four or thirty-five.   

But now I am forced to think about my fertility and future.  The very first thought I had when I learned about my cancer diagnosis was, "will I ever be able to have a baby?"  It is a question that still bothers me at times.  It is an unknown.  There is a chance that chemotherapy can leave me infertile.  I have the choice to harvest my eggs or an embryo.  I am confused and scared and faced with a new question..."Do I rely on science to save my fertility or do I take a leap of faith?" 

I am drawn towards taking a leap of faith, relying on chance, and hoping that things will work out and that I will one day be able to have my own children.  With this decision, I have to also be willing to accept that I could be infertile.  The bottom line is that I will be more than willing to explore alternative family options if needed.  What I do know for certain is that I will have children one day. 

In a twisted way, I feel like having cancer right now is some type of fate.  Whether that be to change my perspective on life, to adjust my priorities, to be more self confident, to be more present, to be more happy and complete, to be more healthy...I do not know yet.  I do know that it is forcing me to think about what is best for me and to trust myself.  It is changing my priorities.  It is making me realize how incredibly lucky I am to have such amazing friends and family and a wonderful boyfriend.  I have also learned how unbelievably important it is to have support and love in my life and the benefits of worrying less and thinking positive!